I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
