OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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