Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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