We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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