Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
