the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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