There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So many bounce houses so little time
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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