DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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