i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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