What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My life is pants optional.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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