oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
