you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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