I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
