My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
