i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
