in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
