Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
