glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
