Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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