There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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