Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
