I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
