Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
