ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
