I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
