so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
