We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
