everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
