i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
