Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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