How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
