Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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