If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
