someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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