fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
