my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
