guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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