I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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