Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
