So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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