I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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