Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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