so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
