My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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