So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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