We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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