atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
