so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
