ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
