my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
